The Have Not

I have many things.

I have many people to love.

I have many people who love me.

But my anguish causes me to be fixated on that which I have not:

Caroline

I have 463 pictures of her.

I sit at my computer for hours and hours looking at them over and over again.

I made this slideshow of a few pictures that Michelle - our friend (and family photographer) - made after Caroline had passed away.  Some of them were in the slideshow we played at Caroline's Celebration of Life service but some of them Michelle just recently sent us.  It was like Christmas morning when we got to see new pictures of her!

She is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen.

Bath Time

Benaiah LOVES bath time!

But bathing a child with special needs isn't easy.  Benaiah's head control is improving but his trunk control is still poor so he is still not able to sit up.  Therefore, bathing a one year old who cannot sit up has gotten to be quite the challenge for Mommy and Daddy!  

Bath time has become a two man job; and since our bathroom wasn't designed in a way where two people can kneel down beside the tub, we have always resorted to bathing him in an infant tub on his bedroom floor.  He recently outgrew this tub so we proceeded to buy a larger tub.

This picture does not do the new white tub justice.  It's a monstrosity!

Once the enormous white tub got into our house, I knew this was not the answer.  There had to be something better.  So where did I turn?

That's right.  Google!

I got busy on the internet, researching ways to bathe children with special needs.  Nothing seemed to fit what I thought we needed so my "think-outside-of-the-box" side kicked in and guess what?!  We already had the answer!

When Benaiah was about 7 months old Doug began researching ways that we could do physical therapy with Benaiah in the pool and we ended up buying this neck ring float that would keep his head above water while freeing up his arms and legs to move under water.

It was a hit!  Benaiah LOVES the pool!!!

7 months old and swimming already!

Using this float for bath time has proven to be a hit too!  It's not a two man job anymore because the float does a great job of keeping his head above water while I bathe him.

And Benaiah loves kicking around in the bathtub just as much as he does the swimming pool!

Yes, we live in a town where the water is a nice shade of brown :(

This is so much fun!

After the bath, I have his bouncy seat all ready with his towel hoodie that Aunt Cara made him.  

This picture is fuzzy because I was already bouncing away!

I plop him in it and dry him off and . . . . voila!  Bath time problem Solved!

The white monstrosity will soon be returned to Babys R Us  :)

Ole Brook

This weekend we took a drive down to Brookhaven for the Ole Brook Festival.  We did a little Christmas shopping, ate fair food and then stuck around for that evening's FREE concert that featured Sidewalk Prophets and Francesca Battistelli.

Ready for the music to start!

Clay's family joined us for the concert even though Clay couldn't come with them.  I admire Traci soooo much for getting 4 kids out of the house all by herself.  It takes me and Doug 2 hours to get out of the house with one child!  I didn't dress Benaiah well enough for the chilly weather we had but thankfully Cousin William came to the rescue and let Benaiah borrow his hoodie!

I'm up past my bed time!

Doug surprised me a bought me a t-shirt from Francesca Battistelli's merchandise table.

So fun!

The Mississippi State Fair is taking place now.  I HATE the fair.  Some of my fellow Mississippian's may think that I'm a traitor to our state by harboring such feelings but . . . . it's N.A.S.T.Y.

Before Monday, I'd only been to the fair at night and I actually swore off going to the fair last year because of its filth.  But when some friends of ours invited us to meet them there for lunch on Monday, we naively agreed.  

Did y'all know that Monday was Columbus Day?!

I had no idea.

This meant total chaos at the fair.  It literally took us an hour to find a parking place.  Then we had to walk half a mile to get to the Midway.  Then Doug thought it would be faster to get where we needed to go by walking through one of the barns where all the cows were being housed.

Did y'all know that I'm what you might call a "city girl"?

Barns + Cows + Cow Poop = Unhappy Elaine

Once we had trudged through the cow barn, we found Scott and Amy, got some lunch and had a great time catching up with them.

However, because of our experience, 2 decisions have been made:

1.  We will meet Scott and Amy at Keifer's for lunch next year on Columbus Day.

2.  We are choosing the Ole Brook Festival over the Mississippi State Fair from now on.  Period.

Doors

I hope this isn't too much information for the 7 of you out there who keep up with my blog, but I went see my OBGYN for my post-op follow up appointment this week.

Dr. M.T. at Baptist is my regular OBGYN but when it became clear that we needed to deliver Caroline at UMC, she referred me to Dr. A.S.

I LOVE M.T.  She has walked with Doug and me through some very high highs and some very low lows over the years as both our doctor and friend.  She finally convinced us that it was in Caroline's best interest to be delivered at UMC so that we would have immediate access to their NICU and their pediatric surgeons.  But boy did I go kicking and screaming!  There's just a special bond between a woman and the person who delivers her babies.  I can't explain it . . . . but it's true.

As it turned out, A.S. is just as wonderful as M.T.!  We couldn't be more thankful for Dr. S's kind manner, compassion and willingness to listen to our desires for Caroline's birth.  What's neat is that her husband was the pediatric neurosurgeon who put in Caroline's shunt.  I can say the same thing about him - kind, compassionate and willing to do what we wanted for Caroline.  Our instructions to both of the Dr. S's were:

 "Do whatever it takes to give Caroline the best chance at life."

And they did.

I didn't expect to be so emotional about a doctor's visit but as I was driving to Dr. S's clinic the other day, I realized that this would be the last time I would see her since I will now return to Dr. T.

It felt like I was closing another door on Caroline's life.  She was the first person to ever see and touch Caroline.  Caroline heard her voice first as she said, "Hey little girl!" and then handed her over to the nurse so that we could see her.  She was there for one of the most sacred moments of our life. And now we may never see her again either. . . . not because of death but because . . . . life goes on.

It keeps moving too fast, life does.  Even the changing of the seasons makes me miss Caroline.  It was a burning inferno outside when Caroline was born.  Now the cool weather of Autumn has swept in and I can't help but wish it would stay hot for just a little while longer so that I can be reminded of the way I felt when she was here.  But the earth doesn't stop spinning just because I want to hang on to every possible tangible thing that reminds me of when Caroline was here with me.  Another season has passed.  Another door closed.

My abs no longer hurt when I move, my body has stopped producing milk, and my feet are no longer swollen.  All things that I would be happy about if Caroline were here.  But now they are all doors that have closed all too soon.

I have about 150 thank you notes that I need and want to write to everyone who has blessed us so much as we've both welcomed and said good-bye to our sweet baby girl.  But I'm scared.  Once they're written, I will have closed another door.

And I just plain want the doors to stay open.

Operation Cheer Up

Doug's soccer team had an "away" game today and he was gone ALL. DAY. LONG.

I am very spoiled.  We live about 2 blocks away from Doug's job, so I get to  see him every day when he comes home for lunch.

When he has a 12 hour work day, I am miserably lonely for him.  Benaiah missed his daddy today too, so I decided to cheer us up.

Items needed for Operation Cheer-Up:

1 - Praise music

2 - Speakers

Don't underestimate my small size.  I know how to jam!

3 - A rattle / tambourine / percussion instrument

Benaiah's O-Ball that rattles was my instrument of choice

4 - No ego (cuz you're gonna make a fool of yourself!)

Let Operation Cheer Up Begin!!!!!

I played the music LOUD

I sang and danced like crazy

I made some great beats with the little man's O-Ball

And we CHEERED UP!!! ;)

Mommy, you look VERY FUNNY!

I like kicking my legs and dancing too!

Operation Cheer Up:  SUCCESSFUL

Heroes

Katie Sullivan was one of my best friends in junior high and high school.  On the first day of school of our Senior year, Katie unexpectedly died.

11th grade BFFs

Today is her birthday.  It has remained on my calendar throughout the past 16 years that she has been gone.  I pray for her family each year on this day.  There was a time when I could only imagine how difficult it must be for her Mama on October 1st as she remembers the day Katie was born . . . . and then perhaps remembers the day she died.

I don't have to imagine anymore.

I didn't know how to grieve when Katie died.  I didn't know that it was okay to be angry and upset and sad for days, weeks, months and even years.  I thought that since I was a believer in Christ and had "the joy of the Lord", everything should be okay.  Katie was with Jesus.  Shouldn't that actually make me happy?!

How ridiculously wrong I was.  Do you hear me?  RIDICULOUS

As I matured in my walk with God over the next several years, I learned how to grieve.  I learned that God can handle my anger.  He can handle my silence when I don't feel like talking to Him.  He can handle my outbursts of despair.  He can handle other peoples' feelings when I ignore them simply because I just don't have the energy to talk.  He can handle me not showering for 3 days straight.  He can handle all of it.

I'm on Day 27 of living this life without my baby girl and I want to tell you who my heroes are:

John and Sally Sullivan, you are my heroes.  You have gotten out of bed and put one foot in front of the other for the past 16 years without your Katie.

John and Jeanne Scarbrough, you are my heroes.  You have gotten out of bed an put one foot in front of the other for the past 9 years without your Hudson.

Art and Anne Land, you are my heroes.  You have gotten out of bed and put one foot in front of the other for the past 4 months without your Trae.

I will continue to do as all of you have done and get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other until the day the Lord calls me home.

And if any of you get there before me, you better tell my Caroline how much I love and miss her :)

PS - And hopefully Katie isn't telling Caroline about all the stupid stuff I did in high school - LOL