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| 11th grade BFFs |
Today is her birthday. It has remained on my calendar throughout the past 16 years that she has been gone. I pray for her family each year on this day. There was a time when I could only imagine how difficult it must be for her Mama on October 1st as she remembers the day Katie was born . . . . and then perhaps remembers the day she died.
I don't have to imagine anymore.
I didn't know how to grieve when Katie died. I didn't know that it was okay to be angry and upset and sad for days, weeks, months and even years. I thought that since I was a believer in Christ and had "the joy of the Lord", everything should be okay. Katie was with Jesus. Shouldn't that actually make me happy?!
How ridiculously wrong I was. Do you hear me? RIDICULOUS
As I matured in my walk with God over the next several years, I learned how to grieve. I learned that God can handle my anger. He can handle my silence when I don't feel like talking to Him. He can handle my outbursts of despair. He can handle other peoples' feelings when I ignore them simply because I just don't have the energy to talk. He can handle me not showering for 3 days straight. He can handle all of it.
I'm on Day 27 of living this life without my baby girl and I want to tell you who my heroes are:
John and Sally Sullivan, you are my heroes. You have gotten out of bed and put one foot in front of the other for the past 16 years without your Katie.
John and Jeanne Scarbrough, you are my heroes. You have gotten out of bed an put one foot in front of the other for the past 9 years without your Hudson.
Art and Anne Land, you are my heroes. You have gotten out of bed and put one foot in front of the other for the past 4 months without your Trae.
I will continue to do as all of you have done and get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other until the day the Lord calls me home.
And if any of you get there before me, you better tell my Caroline how much I love and miss her :)
PS - And hopefully Katie isn't telling Caroline about all the stupid stuff I did in high school - LOL
Elaine, as the four months have passed, it has become evident that the hole left from losing a loved one don't get smaller, God just gets bigger. It's ok for you to be sad, disheveled, and feeling like you are walking in a vortex. Although I can't imagine the pain of losing my own child, I have watched as my parents have dealt with the loss of my brother. It's so hard. Getting out of the bed each day will eventually feel normal again. Until then, keep trying. A song that brought me much comfort was "Keep Singing" by MercyMe.
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks for sharing this memory and your spiritual journey through it. I think of Katie often, and remember how difficult those days were. I miss her too, and our many meals together at Back Yard. Still praying for you and Doug often.
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