Christmas Festivities

Master Benaiah has been enjoying some fun Christmas parties this year.

First, there was Daddy's party at work.  He got to take a picture with Santa and his crew!

Then, we had a kids party at our church, Grace City, where we all got to dress up in some festive headgear.

Um, Mama?  What did you put on my head?

At the party, Benaiah got to make his first craft.  His footprints made a Christmas tree!

I went solo to an ornament swap with the ladies at our church.  I got this cute little guy to hang on our tree this year.

Doug and I had our own Christmas fun by making a snowman out of Rice Krispie treats.

Sad to say but Mr. Snowman didn't stand up very long so we ended up putting him in a pan and cutting him into squares :(

Our community group's Christmas party got cancelled this weekend because of the weather but there are only a few days left before Alicia's family rolls into town from South Florida and . . .

the Christmas festivities continue !!!

Sunday Praises!

I'm so excited to finally be able to tell the world about what the Lord has been doing in the lives of our four best friends :)

Scott and Amy and Gary and Michelle have been trying to adopt from China for the past 4+ years.  The wait has been excruciating at times and, from the looks of things, the wait could last another several years.

Doug, me, Michelle, Gary, Amy, Scott
This is the only picture I have of all 6 of us and it was taken 3 years ago - PRE-baby weight gain :)

Both couples have recently been seeking the Lord about other avenues of adoption that He may have for them.

I'll start with Amy and Scott (and I'll try to give the short version - HA!)

They are in the process of adopting SEVEN siblings from an Asian country!!! (I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say which one.)  Y'all, these are the most BEAUTIFUL children you've ever seen in your entire life!  Scott and Amy saw this group of "waiting children" on their adoption agency's website and the Lord continued to put these sweet kiddos on their hearts.  It took MONTHS to get the information they needed about the children and then viola!  Out of NOWHERE, their social worker called and said that the kids are "on hold" for them to adopt!

There is so much paperwork involved in an international adoption that it makes my head spin, but they and their adoption agency are doing things as quickly as possible so that "Asia" can decide whether or not to approve them for the adoption within the next few months.

Please pray that "Asia" will approve them.  Pray also for Scott and Amy as they prepare to become a family of 9 - and believe me - there is A LOT to do in order to prepare to have 7 kids at one time! :)

Now on to Gary and Michelle....

Just 2 days after we got the news that "the 7" were on hold for Scott and Amy, Gary and Michelle made a surprise visit to our house.  I thought they were going to tell us that they were moving so I was trying to prepare myself for bad news.  HOW WRONG I WAS.  They came to share the FABULOUS news that they got a referral for a little boy!!!

About 6 weeks prior, Gary and Michelle stepped out on faith and applied for a private adoption from a Marshallese community in Northwest Arkansas.  I know.  It sounds random but actually our pastor and his wife are adopting from this same community.  (They adopted their son from the Marshall Islands last year and are thrilled to be adding another Marshallese baby to their family early next year!)  If any of you are familiar with the adoption process, you know that getting a referral just 6 weeks after you apply for adoption is absolutely UNHEARD OF.  But here we are - preparing to welcome Baby Davison to the world this Spring!

Please pray for the health of Baby D and his birth mother.  Pray for Gary and Michelle as the Lord continues to prepare them for parenthood.

For both couples, pray for financial needs to be met.  It ain't cheap to adopt!

We are all in awe of how God is working to build both of these couples' families as they are following Him and stepping out in faith into some seemingly unchartered territories.

From a personal standpoint I just have to say that I needed this.  Our family has felt so attacked (and defeated) this year.  The spiritual war over those of us who desire to build godly families is very tangible to me right now.

I needed to see that Satan isn't winning...

...that God is moving...

...that He's defending us...

...that He's protecting our children.

When we heard the news of these 2 "victories", my insides felt happy for the first time in months.

I can't wait to meet our new friends!!!

4 months

Dear Caroline,

Today you would have been 4 months old.

We miss you in a way that words simply cannot express.

We hung your ornaments on the Christmas tree today.

I got you this ornament because I think you were going to be a beautiful ballet dancer.  

I know you're dancing beautifully for our Savior now.

We hung your stocking today too.  I didn't have time to get your name embroidered on it this year but I will get it done before next Christmas!

We are so heartbroken to be making Christmas memories this year without you here with us.  

We have plans to see many of our family members over the next couple of weeks, but . . . . 

Our family gatherings will forever be incomplete without you.

My Christmas tree will never have enough "Caroline" ornaments on it.

There will never be any presents for you under the tree.

I will never hear you sing "Away in a Manger".

I will never get to dress you up in cute Christmas outfits.

You will never help me make Christmas cookies.

I will never see your face light up when you open your Christmas gifts.

I will never get to read Luke 2 to you.

These things probably seem very insignificant from your heavenly point of view.

But they are realities that I am grieving right now.

It has been difficult for me to celebrate Jesus' birthday this year.

All I seem to be able to do is think about His second coming.

We are begging Him to come quickly.

We long to be with you, baby girl.

I love you,

Mama

THANK YOU!!!

Doug and I want to say a HUGE "Thank You!" to everyone who came to Chick-fil-a Monday night to support the NICU at UMC in Caroline's memory.  I want to give an EXTRA HUGE shout out to Marcille McLendon, the women's soccer coach at Hinds, and the Hinds soccer teams for organizing the event.  They were so sweet to do this on our family's behalf!

We were overwhelmed by the hundreds of people - especially those from our Hinds family - who came inside to love on us and tell us how much they have been praying for us - and we know there were many more of you who came because we heard that the drive thru line was insanely long!  I'm not a patient person when it comes to the drive thru at a fast food restaurant so I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who patiently waited in line!

When we totaled up the 15% from the Chick-fil-a sales plus all of the tips that everyone donated, we had over $600!  Many more of our loved ones have made donations to the NICU so that puts the total amount of donations in the thousands!

After Caroline passed away we were able to spend time with her in the transition room at the NICU.  This room is primarily used for mothers who are about to take their babies home from the NICU and need to learn how to use the home health equipment that the baby still needs.  It is a room that will forever be significant to us since that is where we held our sweet baby for the last time.  We talked with a social worker at the NICU and she told us of some items that they would like for that room in order to make it more comfortable for the mothers.  Most of the money that has been donated in Caroline's memory will be used to purchase these items.  We are glad to help the NICU out in any way but there is something extra special about being able to provide something for that room in particular.

I was so busy running my mouth at Chick-fil-a on Monday that I completely forgot to take any pictures of the event so I thought I'd share this picture with everyone.  On the Friday after Caroline died, the men and women's soccer teams reserved some time in between their games to pray for our family.  After the prayer, the players released 20 pink balloons - one for each day that Caroline lived.

It was absolutely beautiful.

Just like our baby girl.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm ready to eat!

Honestly, Doug and I knew it would be hard to be around big crowds of family this year so we decided to have our own little family Thanksgiving celebration at our house.

My mom came over and we cooked a feast for a king!  I've never put so many things in my oven at one time! :)

The kitchen got so hot, we decided to cool off by eating with the door open - HA!

Benaiah says, "I'm Stuffed!"

Lord,

We are thankful for the gift of children most of all this year.  You have honored us by letting us be Benaiah and Caroline's Mommy and Daddy.

Amen

Fundraiser in Memory of Caroline

Save some room in your tummies this Thanksgiving and join us at the Chick-fil-A in Clinton Monday night to raise money for the NICU in memory of Caroline!

Follow this link to read the press release from Hinds:

http://www.hindsccsports.com/news/2012/11/15/MSOC_1115122407.aspx

Hope to see you there!

Love,
Elaine

Happy Halloween!

Roar!!!!!  Says our Little Lion!

We didn't do any trick or treating because guess who would end up eating all of the Halloween candy?  ME!  Instead, we just made sure the grandmas got to see Benaiah in his cute little outfit (that I got for a STEAL, by the way, because I waited until the day before Halloween to buy it - Ha!)

We painted pumpkins for our front porch.  We each had our own - even Li'l Miss Caroline had one! :)  This was the first time I'd ever attempted to get Benaiah's handprint.  As you can see, I wasn't very successful.

My sister and I are best friends and we live FIFTEEN hours away from each other!  Thank the Lord for smart phones!  We can get play-by-plays of each others' days in an instant.  These are her 3 kids at their Fall Fest.  I just have to show them off - they're too cute!

"Jessi" aka Lucy

"Woody" aka James Andrew

"Princess Anna" aka Anna

Isn't dressing up so much FUN?

Happy Fall Y'all!

The Have Not

I have many things.

I have many people to love.

I have many people who love me.

But my anguish causes me to be fixated on that which I have not:

Caroline

I have 463 pictures of her.

I sit at my computer for hours and hours looking at them over and over again.

I made this slideshow of a few pictures that Michelle - our friend (and family photographer) - made after Caroline had passed away.  Some of them were in the slideshow we played at Caroline's Celebration of Life service but some of them Michelle just recently sent us.  It was like Christmas morning when we got to see new pictures of her!

She is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen.

Bath Time

Benaiah LOVES bath time!

But bathing a child with special needs isn't easy.  Benaiah's head control is improving but his trunk control is still poor so he is still not able to sit up.  Therefore, bathing a one year old who cannot sit up has gotten to be quite the challenge for Mommy and Daddy!  

Bath time has become a two man job; and since our bathroom wasn't designed in a way where two people can kneel down beside the tub, we have always resorted to bathing him in an infant tub on his bedroom floor.  He recently outgrew this tub so we proceeded to buy a larger tub.

This picture does not do the new white tub justice.  It's a monstrosity!

Once the enormous white tub got into our house, I knew this was not the answer.  There had to be something better.  So where did I turn?

That's right.  Google!

I got busy on the internet, researching ways to bathe children with special needs.  Nothing seemed to fit what I thought we needed so my "think-outside-of-the-box" side kicked in and guess what?!  We already had the answer!

When Benaiah was about 7 months old Doug began researching ways that we could do physical therapy with Benaiah in the pool and we ended up buying this neck ring float that would keep his head above water while freeing up his arms and legs to move under water.

It was a hit!  Benaiah LOVES the pool!!!

7 months old and swimming already!

Using this float for bath time has proven to be a hit too!  It's not a two man job anymore because the float does a great job of keeping his head above water while I bathe him.

And Benaiah loves kicking around in the bathtub just as much as he does the swimming pool!

Yes, we live in a town where the water is a nice shade of brown :(

This is so much fun!

After the bath, I have his bouncy seat all ready with his towel hoodie that Aunt Cara made him.  

This picture is fuzzy because I was already bouncing away!

I plop him in it and dry him off and . . . . voila!  Bath time problem Solved!

The white monstrosity will soon be returned to Babys R Us  :)

Ole Brook

This weekend we took a drive down to Brookhaven for the Ole Brook Festival.  We did a little Christmas shopping, ate fair food and then stuck around for that evening's FREE concert that featured Sidewalk Prophets and Francesca Battistelli.

Ready for the music to start!

Clay's family joined us for the concert even though Clay couldn't come with them.  I admire Traci soooo much for getting 4 kids out of the house all by herself.  It takes me and Doug 2 hours to get out of the house with one child!  I didn't dress Benaiah well enough for the chilly weather we had but thankfully Cousin William came to the rescue and let Benaiah borrow his hoodie!

I'm up past my bed time!

Doug surprised me a bought me a t-shirt from Francesca Battistelli's merchandise table.

So fun!

The Mississippi State Fair is taking place now.  I HATE the fair.  Some of my fellow Mississippian's may think that I'm a traitor to our state by harboring such feelings but . . . . it's N.A.S.T.Y.

Before Monday, I'd only been to the fair at night and I actually swore off going to the fair last year because of its filth.  But when some friends of ours invited us to meet them there for lunch on Monday, we naively agreed.  

Did y'all know that Monday was Columbus Day?!

I had no idea.

This meant total chaos at the fair.  It literally took us an hour to find a parking place.  Then we had to walk half a mile to get to the Midway.  Then Doug thought it would be faster to get where we needed to go by walking through one of the barns where all the cows were being housed.

Did y'all know that I'm what you might call a "city girl"?

Barns + Cows + Cow Poop = Unhappy Elaine

Once we had trudged through the cow barn, we found Scott and Amy, got some lunch and had a great time catching up with them.

However, because of our experience, 2 decisions have been made:

1.  We will meet Scott and Amy at Keifer's for lunch next year on Columbus Day.

2.  We are choosing the Ole Brook Festival over the Mississippi State Fair from now on.  Period.

Doors

I hope this isn't too much information for the 7 of you out there who keep up with my blog, but I went see my OBGYN for my post-op follow up appointment this week.

Dr. M.T. at Baptist is my regular OBGYN but when it became clear that we needed to deliver Caroline at UMC, she referred me to Dr. A.S.

I LOVE M.T.  She has walked with Doug and me through some very high highs and some very low lows over the years as both our doctor and friend.  She finally convinced us that it was in Caroline's best interest to be delivered at UMC so that we would have immediate access to their NICU and their pediatric surgeons.  But boy did I go kicking and screaming!  There's just a special bond between a woman and the person who delivers her babies.  I can't explain it . . . . but it's true.

As it turned out, A.S. is just as wonderful as M.T.!  We couldn't be more thankful for Dr. S's kind manner, compassion and willingness to listen to our desires for Caroline's birth.  What's neat is that her husband was the pediatric neurosurgeon who put in Caroline's shunt.  I can say the same thing about him - kind, compassionate and willing to do what we wanted for Caroline.  Our instructions to both of the Dr. S's were:

 "Do whatever it takes to give Caroline the best chance at life."

And they did.

I didn't expect to be so emotional about a doctor's visit but as I was driving to Dr. S's clinic the other day, I realized that this would be the last time I would see her since I will now return to Dr. T.

It felt like I was closing another door on Caroline's life.  She was the first person to ever see and touch Caroline.  Caroline heard her voice first as she said, "Hey little girl!" and then handed her over to the nurse so that we could see her.  She was there for one of the most sacred moments of our life. And now we may never see her again either. . . . not because of death but because . . . . life goes on.

It keeps moving too fast, life does.  Even the changing of the seasons makes me miss Caroline.  It was a burning inferno outside when Caroline was born.  Now the cool weather of Autumn has swept in and I can't help but wish it would stay hot for just a little while longer so that I can be reminded of the way I felt when she was here.  But the earth doesn't stop spinning just because I want to hang on to every possible tangible thing that reminds me of when Caroline was here with me.  Another season has passed.  Another door closed.

My abs no longer hurt when I move, my body has stopped producing milk, and my feet are no longer swollen.  All things that I would be happy about if Caroline were here.  But now they are all doors that have closed all too soon.

I have about 150 thank you notes that I need and want to write to everyone who has blessed us so much as we've both welcomed and said good-bye to our sweet baby girl.  But I'm scared.  Once they're written, I will have closed another door.

And I just plain want the doors to stay open.

Operation Cheer Up

Doug's soccer team had an "away" game today and he was gone ALL. DAY. LONG.

I am very spoiled.  We live about 2 blocks away from Doug's job, so I get to  see him every day when he comes home for lunch.

When he has a 12 hour work day, I am miserably lonely for him.  Benaiah missed his daddy today too, so I decided to cheer us up.

Items needed for Operation Cheer-Up:

1 - Praise music

2 - Speakers

Don't underestimate my small size.  I know how to jam!

3 - A rattle / tambourine / percussion instrument

Benaiah's O-Ball that rattles was my instrument of choice

4 - No ego (cuz you're gonna make a fool of yourself!)

Let Operation Cheer Up Begin!!!!!

I played the music LOUD

I sang and danced like crazy

I made some great beats with the little man's O-Ball

And we CHEERED UP!!! ;)

Mommy, you look VERY FUNNY!

I like kicking my legs and dancing too!

Operation Cheer Up:  SUCCESSFUL

Heroes

Katie Sullivan was one of my best friends in junior high and high school.  On the first day of school of our Senior year, Katie unexpectedly died.

11th grade BFFs

Today is her birthday.  It has remained on my calendar throughout the past 16 years that she has been gone.  I pray for her family each year on this day.  There was a time when I could only imagine how difficult it must be for her Mama on October 1st as she remembers the day Katie was born . . . . and then perhaps remembers the day she died.

I don't have to imagine anymore.

I didn't know how to grieve when Katie died.  I didn't know that it was okay to be angry and upset and sad for days, weeks, months and even years.  I thought that since I was a believer in Christ and had "the joy of the Lord", everything should be okay.  Katie was with Jesus.  Shouldn't that actually make me happy?!

How ridiculously wrong I was.  Do you hear me?  RIDICULOUS

As I matured in my walk with God over the next several years, I learned how to grieve.  I learned that God can handle my anger.  He can handle my silence when I don't feel like talking to Him.  He can handle my outbursts of despair.  He can handle other peoples' feelings when I ignore them simply because I just don't have the energy to talk.  He can handle me not showering for 3 days straight.  He can handle all of it.

I'm on Day 27 of living this life without my baby girl and I want to tell you who my heroes are:

John and Sally Sullivan, you are my heroes.  You have gotten out of bed and put one foot in front of the other for the past 16 years without your Katie.

John and Jeanne Scarbrough, you are my heroes.  You have gotten out of bed an put one foot in front of the other for the past 9 years without your Hudson.

Art and Anne Land, you are my heroes.  You have gotten out of bed and put one foot in front of the other for the past 4 months without your Trae.

I will continue to do as all of you have done and get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other until the day the Lord calls me home.

And if any of you get there before me, you better tell my Caroline how much I love and miss her :)

PS - And hopefully Katie isn't telling Caroline about all the stupid stuff I did in high school - LOL

It Is Well

At Caroline's Celebration of Life service our worship pastor, Rich, led us in singing "It Is Well" while the following slideshow was played in honor of Caroline's life.

It was so perfect.

I remember that as we sang I was smiling and feeling like such a proud Mama as I watched these photos flash up on the screen. :)

We look at these photos every day.  They are sacred memoirs of Caroline's time with us and I just wanted to share her sweet little life through pictures with the world.

We miss you so much, baby girl.

Disclaimer - I can't seem to figure out how to export this slideshow so that it will work on the iPhone or iPad.  Sorry :(

Also, this isn't the exact slideshow that was shown at the service because the one Rich put together was much more professional and also included videos we'd taken of Caroline.  I just put this one together of photos only.  I'll be sure to post the videos later.

20 more days

Yesterday marked 20 days that Caroline has been gone.  It's unbelievable to me that she has now been gone for the same amount of time that she was here.  The 20 days I spent going to the NICU for hours at a time while trying to recover from a major surgery and also taking care of Benaiah seemed so long.  And now. . . . those 20 days seem like the blink of an eye.

Time.

I am so very aware of time these days.  

Caroline was born on a Wednesday.  Every Wednesday reminds me of another week that she would have been with us.

Caroline died on a Tuesday.  Every Tuesday reminds me of another week that we have lived without her.

My days are long.

I wait.  

I wake up and wait for the day to be over.

I wait on the Lord to relieve me of some pain.

I wait on something magical to happen and Caroline is with me again.

Time passes and my days actually do come to an end.

Months and years will pass and my pain will not be so stinging.  

And one day my life will have passed and I will be with Caroline again for Eternity.

There are moments in my days where the fact that she is healed and the certainty that I will live forever with her in Eternity comforts me.

But mostly I hurt and long for her to be here with me.

Our family tried to have a "normal" day on Sunday.  We went to church that morning and then to our community group that evening.  It was a good day.  There are definitely healing qualities that come with normalcy.

But at the end of the day I felt weird.  I hadn't thought about Caroline quite as much.  I hadn't cried quite as many tears.  I hadn't questioned the Lord a million times.  And I hated it!  I WANT to think about Caroline all of the time and I WANT to cry over our loss and I WANT the Lord to give me understanding. . . . my "new normal".

Doug and I look at pictures of Caroline on our phones all the time.  We talk about how it felt to hold her hand, to kiss her head, to tickle her feet . . . . to hold her . . . . to have her present with us.

I often imagine what she is doing in heaven.  I actually think it's pretty ridiculous to try and think about this because I'm quite certain I can't imagine anything close to what perfection is really like; but my silly thoughts of her playing and laughing hysterically with her little friends Vittoria de Cristo, Hudson and her big brother or sister somehow comfort me.

I daily think back to Caroline's Celebration of Life service and how it blessed and comforted us so much. I think about every song, every Scripture, every word our pastor said, every family member, friend and even strangers who blessed us so much that day.  It was perfect.  It was a beautiful service that honored our beautiful Savior and our beautiful baby girl.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family as we walk this road.

Love,

Elaine

Donations in Memory of Caroline

Many of you have asked us where you can send gifts in memory of Caroline.  Doug and I would love to bless the NICU at UMC with donations in her memory.

Make checks to:
Office of Development, UMC

On the memo line, write:
in memory of Caroline Victoria Williams

Mail to:
Office of Development, UMC
2500 N. State Street
Jackson, MS 39216

If you have any questions, call 601-984-2300 and ask for Mary.

Thank you for wanting to honor Caroline in this way.  The NICU was the only home she knew.  The doctors and nurses there showed her and our family such love and compassion.  They fought for her life for 20 days and they do the same for hundreds of other babies each week.  We are so grateful to them.

Love,
Doug and Elaine

A Celebration of Life

A Celebration of Life service

for

Caroline Victoria Williams

will be held

Saturday, September 8th, 2012

2:00 in the afternoon

Grace City Church

4791 I-55 North

Jackson, Mississippi

http://www.gracecityjackson.org/#/about-us/where-we-meet

In lieu of flowers, we are currently selecting a charity to receive donations.  More information to come.

20

The number of days our Sweet Caroline was here with us on Earth.

We miss her so much.  We long for her with an ache that is indescribable.

She is so beautiful.  We were blessed to behold her beauty for 20 days....20 days longer than many believed we'd have with her.....but a lifetime short of the time we'd hoped to have with her.

We are in such despair over our loss and yet we rejoice with thanksgiving that the Lord has indeed answered our prayers:

She is healed.

My first day with my Daddy on Earth

My first day with my Daddy in Heaven

Happy 1st Birthday Benaiah!

I can't believe a whole year has passed by!!!  How did this happen so quickly Baby Boy???!!!

Newborn

1 month

2 months

3 months

4 months

5 months

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

12 months

One year ago today you entered our world.  We held you for the first time.  We smelled you for the first time.  We kissed you for the first time.  And for the first time we could understand how much our own parents have loved us our entire lives.  

You weren't supposed to arrive until September 12th, but you had gotten so big in Mama's tummy that we decided it would be best to go ahead and have you a couple of weeks early.  Dr. Travelstead broke my water at 7:15am on August 31st......and we were off!!!  I made the choice to have you with NO - ZERO - pain medications.  Let me tell you - I was callin' on Jesus to come get me!  Childbirth is P.A.I.N.F.U.L.  Your Gran said I should have been a cheerleader because she could hear me yelling all the way down the hall. :) Sounds irritated me while I was in labor so your Daddy wasn't allowed to say anything to me except to tell me when each contraction was coming and going.  We will always laugh about the fact that he would tell me to take deeper breaths and I would say, "Shhhhhh!"  But then my nurse, Michelle, would tell me the same thing and I would just start taking deeper breaths :)

Less than 5 hours after labor started you made your grand appearance....and MIRACULOUSLY, all the pain was gone!  Seeing you and hearing you cry for the first time was so beautiful to me that I didn't feel anything other than joy.

  

We still smile when we recall the first little "huuuuuuh" sounds you made as you slept next to us in our hospital room.  I always giggle when I think about the ride home from the hospital.  I sat in the backseat next to you and held your hand while your Daddy drove 50 miles an hour on the Interstate.  You don't understand this right now, but that is slow.  We were soooooo nervous to drive with a new, precious little life in the car with us!

Our hearts were broken in March when you were diagnosed with CFTD and we realized that your developmental path was going to look differently from what we'd expected.  We entered an intense time of seeing doctors and therapists, having surgeries and leaning on the Lord more than ever, trusting Him and only Him for your complete healing.

We celebrate all of your wonderful accomplishments, Benaiah Williams - When you hold your head up, when you try to sit up, when you smile, when you look at me with your beautiful blue eyes, when you sing as we listen to praise music, when you kick your legs and make yourself bounce up and down in your bouncy seat, when you fake yawn to get out of doing physical therapy..... all of it is pure delight to us, sweet boy.

We love you like nobody's business and look forward to what the Lord has in store for your 2nd year of life!

Love,

Mama and Daddy